I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, throughout the year I try personal experiments and see which ones show the most benefit. Then in the new year, I put a stronger emphasis on making these ones stick.

This year, one I’ve been playing with a lot is improving my sleep. And I will absolutely be focusing on this one going forward.

The problem is that regardless of how much I work on this, there are inevitably some nights where I just can’t. I can do everything right, yet will struggle to get more than a couple of hours of sleep a night.

Most of the time, the cause of waking is random. The real problem is when I can’t get back to sleep fast enough.

Then my brain starts going.

It starts with anxiety that I won’t get to sleep and the next day will be ruined — ultimately that’s what keeps me awake.

Soon, my brain goes into waves of random thoughts. It’s as if it still tries to piece together the floating information in the way it does while we sleep. Sometimes these thoughts follow a pattern, other times they feel like nonsense.

It’s dreamlike, in a sense. But I’m still awake. I’m turning side to side, flipping blankets and attempting breathwork in an attempt to fall asleep. All the while, I remain lost in this strange realm of random thought.

Although the anxiety of these nights is defeating, and the following day is exhausting, there is something curious and fascinating about them.