Chaos is fine, it’s the unexpected that gets me.

I suppose the unexpected technically is chaos — it’s what makes chaos chaos.

But I typically thrive in chaos, at least when I know I’m in it. Between my time spent in restaurant kitchens and the wild world of nomadic travel, I’ve become good at adapting to curveballs and fast-paced situations. When I expect the unexpected, I usually react with composure.

Discomfort comes when I’m in a place of stability. Stability brings calm, it’s why most people settle down into comfortable lifestyles with nice jobs and a house.

Stability gives me anxiety. While the stoic in me is constantly learning how to react to change, it also knows that change is inevitable. And the more stable a situation becomes, the more I know that something will ultimately come to disrupt.

I think it’s why I loved the kitchen; why I love to travel. Existing where unknowns are guaranteed calms my anxiety.

Over the last few years, since being in a place of relative stability, I’ve been hit with some of the worst anxiety of my life. And while certain life events have been significant, the way they’ve mentally crippled me don’t scale when compared things I’ve dealt with while in a place of chaos.

This is probably something I should talk to my therapist about.